An Open Letter To Men of the Male Persuasion:
Christmas is coming, and all over the world women are freaking out. Why? Because they have men of the male persuasion in their lives for whom they must buy Christmas presents. Y'all know what I'm talking about, right? It's an impossible task. I mean, it would be a different matter altogether if a bit of femaleness came with those male XY chromosomes. Like maybe a little less Hunter (the "Y"–a symbol which clearly denotes a crossbow) and a little more Gatherer (the "X"–similar to the Xes that appear on the ATM screen when women type in their pin number). But no. It's all guy.
You see, dear Male-type Men, females are creatures of simple, easily understood wants and needs. We like a little bling–even just a sequin will do. We love us some chocolate. And we wouldn't mind if you went out and bought us a good book. Or some funky fingernail polish. Crazy socks. Flowers. A purse. Lovely lotion. Or movie tickets for a night out with the girls. (You see what I did there, guys? I just completed your entire Christmas shopping list for you. It's what we double-X chromos do. You're welcome.) Put a little thought into it and there's not a lot of chance you'll go wrong in your Christmas gift giving. At least not if you're giving to a girl.
You dudes, on the other hand, are a night-blinking-mare to shop for. It's all: "Did you see the 2012 Ferrari FF? Sweeeeet. There's gotta be a way to come up with that $295,000." "Ohhhhhman, I want that Camera. $6,000–for the lens. I would kill for that baby." "Those skis? Only fifteen hundred. What. Do you know what you get for fifteen hundred? An experience, that's what. And life is about experience."
And it doesn't stop there. You men with no female persuasion aren't satisfied with the simple purchase of an item of your dreams. No, it goes far beyond that. It's all about the hunt. First you must stalk the car/camera/skis/motorcycle/bi-plane/dirigible/whathaveyou. You must lurk in specialty shops. Hang out at magazine stands. Troll the internet. Find support groups for Men Lusting After Impossible Objects of Worldly Coolness. And then you must strategize. Work the paycheck. Your significant other's paycheck. Find creative means of income. Sell off your children. Do whatever it takes to get. the. money.
And finally, you pounce! Hahahahaha! You've found the cheapest, most comparable knock-off in the worrrrrlllld! Mwaaahahaha! Score!!!
Yeah. Like we of the Simple Female Persuasion With No Y Chromosome can compete with that. I mean don't get me wrong; we want to. We would dearly love to be able to present you with something that would make your eyes light up like the Bondian headlamps on an Aston Martin. But even if we could—we're pretty sure you wouldn't like it. We'd have taken the joy of the hunt away from you. And that, my friends, is most of the game.
So, Dear Men of the Male Persuasion, this Christmas season we women of the world have a plea for you: if you're not going to take up a simple hobby that comes with easily purchased variations and add-ons (like, say, Sudoku), then at least do us the favor of understanding when we take the money we've been scrimping and saving all year long for your Christmas present, and buy that awesome pair of Jimmy Choo wedges instead.
It's because we love you.
I hear you. Just to even things out, I’ve added some things to my list: a Bobcat with additional backhoe, a new kitchen, a cheese cave, a vacation to Hawaii. That kind of thing.
Oh yes, I hear you! Also, a new bathroom and money to put kids in college. But I’m generous. I’ll let him go on the hunt for it. 🙂 I love that you have a Bobcat on your list. and I know you’d love it and use it.