History Will Show … er, Never Mind

My littlest dude recently did a big ol' history project in which he had to research five explorers and make Explorer Trading Cards out of their lives. Illustrated. By his own hand–if he wanted an extra two points per card.

It was arduous because dude is young. Easily distracted. On the order of: "Okay. So. I'll google Sir Francis Drake. Yep. There he is. Sir Francis. Who would name their kid Francis? That's a terrible name for a boy. And, ummmm, they called him 'Drake' for short. Drake. Draco. Draco Malfoy. Mommmm! Do we have the last Harry Potter movie on dvd?"

That's not a direct quote. I have to say that because the kid will totally call me out on it. It's a conglomerate. Aggregate. Sort of a hodge-podge of the kinds of things this child says when he's trying to learn how to research and make historical trading cards. 

Can I blame him? I mean, its not all that interesting to research guys who've been dead for like 300 years.

Or is it?

Once we got past the boredom-induced A.D.D. factor of the project and Little Dude started learning about his subjects, a new world opened before him. I mean, these men were innovators! Adventurers! They left the comfort of their homes and braved unknown stormy seas for wild new territories and dangerous peoples and beasts! These were individuals to look up to! Admire! These men . .  .

"Wait a minute. You know Henry Hudson? He annoyed his crew to death because he was stubborn and wouldn't quit even when he was stuck in the ice and they'd been trying to get to the Pacific for 3 years and he wouldn't go home, so they put him in a boat and left him at sea. Can you believe that?

"And listen to this! Francisco Vásquez de Coronado discovered a lot of Indians, and then spent all his time causing problems for them and fighting them in wars. Huh.

"Whoa! Oh. My. Gosh. Jonathan Carver got all mad because England wouldn't pay him, so he left his wife and kids in America and spent the rest of his life in England fighting for his money. AND MARRYING ANOTHER WOMAN AND HAVING MORE KIDS! HE HAD TWO FAMILIES! Mom! All the explorers were WEENIES! Well, except for Francis Drake. But they named him Francis, so he probably was too. Sheesh!"

Well. I'm certainly glad my kid is getting a well-rounded education. But shame on these venerable explorers for being weenies. Thank heavens none of the rest of us have personality flaws like this. Thank heavens there's nothing on MY record that I'd be ashamed to have history look back on and . . . um . . . 

*lights diary bonfire*

Look forward, my friends. FORWARD.