Communication 101 For Men: What Not to Say

Men! Are you tired of trying to read your wife's/girlfriend's/significant other's mind? Exhausted by trying to figure out what it is that you don't know and she's "Not going to tell you"? Well, if you don't want to end up sleeping on the porch with a pointy stick to keep the neighbor's weirdly limpy boarhound at bay, allow us here at Life In Bits to make a few suggestions, gleaned from years and years and YEARS of experience. Here's how you don't comfort your significant other while you are away on business:

• "This place is awesome! I can see the typhoon from my hotel room! Well, bye."

• "Oh, I'm feeling much better. I only had to visit the men's room five times during that last presentation. It's probably not the local food. Cuz if it was? I'd totally have to go to the hospital. And you DON'T want to see what those places are like! Haha!"

• "Boy, this trip is not starting off well. Left my iPad and Kindle at home. Then it turned out I had a 15 hour layover in Atlanta, so I could have left a day later and gone to your 30-year reunion with you. And guess what? I left my computer charger in my hotel room! ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS? IT'S LIKE I'M CURSED OR SOMETHING! WELL, I'M OFF TO FLY OVER THE OCEAN AND THE ARCTIC CIRCLE AND SIBERIA FOR LIKE 15 HOURS WITH NO VISIBLE MEANS OF SUPPORT EXCEPT THIS RICKETY FLYING MACHINE! DON'T WORRY. IT'LL BE FINE."

• "I have nooooo idea what we just ate. There was a claw, and this wiggly thing . . . "

• "I've got to go. I have to catch a cab to the hotel. No, they don't speak English. No, the signs aren't in English. I'll find it. Shouldn't be too hard. I have this Translator App on my phone. It's great! I already know how to say 'Excuse me. I have bird flu. Will you hold my lungs?'"

• "Hey, did you buy something unusual recently? I'm out of money and our credit card is blocked. I haven't eaten in awhile. Well, unless you count the Imodium…"

And last, but sadly not least:

• "I gave them your exact measurements. I have no idea why this dress is roughly the size and shape of a full-grown manatee."

Yeah. Trust me on this.