"Excuse me, is that seat taken? No?" (scootching across 14 people to get to the empty seat in the center of the auditorium) "Oops!" (bending over to pick up looseleaf papers that scattered upon trying to unfold miniscule desktop from side of chair) "So sorry!" (turning and waving at everyone, then sitting just in time for lecture to start.)
"Wait, wait. No. This is how it went." (Demonstrating new dance move. It involves a great deal of bending and spinning. There are several people watching. Smiling strangely. "Yeah. That's it. Whew! Gonna have to work on that Brisé at the end there.!"
"Oh excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Oops! Sorry to butt-in! Ha ha! Didn't mean to stick it right in your face there!" (See above. Except different auditorium. Different people.)
"Yes sir, I can get that file. No problem. In the bottom drawer? Got it! " (Bending to get files. Bending a lot. Standing up, sitting down. In a not-empty office. Full of people. Which is why it's not empty.) (Did I mention the bending?)
"Oh here, I can help you with that." (BENDING over desk to organize files. In front of many people. Who have eyes. And voices. Which could have said something. If I'd had any friends.)
And then finally, at the end of the day:
My sister: "Hey, Janiel. How was your . . . Woooooo! Blue underwear!"
Me: "Wha? What do you mea– AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" (Turns around enough to discover what that ripping noise was I'd heard as I got out of the car that morning. Before I spent the day BENDING OVER and generally sticking the back of my front right out there to be observed by all. Yep. A big, ginormoid hole. Right below the zipper. Which is situated in the back of the tuxedo pants I am wearing, being a stylish 1980's chick. Gi. Nor. Moid. With blue skivvies flashing through. "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE SAY ANYTHING? I HAVE NO FRIENDS!"
So. It's 27 years later and nothing's changed. I still do stuff like this on a regular basis. The thing is, I heard my pants rip as I twisted out of the car that morning. But I thought, "Huh. Wonder what that was," and went about my business. Entertaining the world with my Unders of Wonders.
I do that. I'm like that bird up there at the top of this post. I generally hang around upside down in life, not noticing I'm the only one doing that until someone is nice enough to tap me on the shoulder and say, "So do you mean to be flashing the entire grocery store, or is the whole skirt-tucked-into-the-pantyhose-thing just your fashion statement?"
It's the dorkification quality that makes me forget appointments 3 seconds after I get a reminder on my iPhone. Or compartmentalize life so heavily I will actually try to be two places at once. Or stand there complaining about another company to a sales rep only to look at their nametag and realize they are, in fact, a manager from the company I am complaining about. Or they work for the doctor whose expertise I am dissing. Or it is their cupcake I just gagged on and made a show of chucking in the garbage at the little event. That I probably won't get asked to next year.
*sigh* I can live with all the hanging upside down. Life is kind of interesting-looking from down there. A different perspective is refreshing. And it makes me unique, which is pretty all right. I just wish I could get everybody else to hang upside down too, once in a while. Or at least wave big signs telling me my foot is on a trajectory for my mouth, my fly is unzipped, or my boots are just TOO bizarre to wear with . . . anything.
Wait.
Scratch the boots. Those I like.
Ah. Never mind.
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