Hello my little snow-cherubs! It is time once again for an advisory post from your beloved Domestic Diva Blogger!
When you undertake your next ski trip (because you will, my dears, why else are you reading this blog?) make sure you study the rules of the slopes so you can enjoy the sport without committing any faux pas or gaffes. You want to appear smooth and suave, like the proper international man or woman of mystery you are. Above all, you want your efforts to seem effortless. To schuss and turn and cut as if you were having cocktails at The Bowery and it is simply a coincidence that you are wearing skis upon your cultured feet.
In order to accomplish this, you must learn the rules of the slopes.
Rule Number One: When you run over a snowboarding tot who is clearly out for the first time, make sure he apologizes first. In fact, keep going for a few yards before you turn to see if the child is bleeding into the snow. This will make you seem urbanely devil-may-care. (The cute little dude I took out actually apologized as I knocked him down! He was really sweet about it. You can hear me saying "No I'm sorry!" in response to him.)
Our model Jannnielllele will show you how:
Rule Number Two: Find a nearly flat surface in the middle of the run and slowly cut back and forth across it, getting in people's way and generally annoying them. This will imply that you are so rich it matters not to you if anyone sues you for making them fall down in irritation–as you can see Jaaaanniellelee do in the next clip. (In truth, everyone around me was doing this, as we were schussing the newby-slopes. But I kept managing to cut people off.) (And FYI, my husband is skiing backwards in the next clip in order film me. Backwards. Showoff.)
Engage in witty repartée with yourself so observers observe that you are comfortable in your own company. Make the entire enterprise appear simple by holding your poles casually, is if you've almost forgotten they came along. This can easily be accomplished by skiing the Bunny Hills.
Above all, be certain to tail the little peewee you ran over in the first place so he grows to respect you. Not so close that he reports you to the authorities. Just close enough that he gets nervous. (Poor kid. I freaked him out. I didn't even know I was following him for awhile.) Viz:
In the end, when you are ready to be done for the day, stop short of the steepest hill on your run and demure to go down it, necessitating that your porter carry you. You will be admired in ways you never imagined. Don't worry if other skiers clip your skis as you stand in the middle of the slope discussing the portage with your porter. This is a sign of deep admiration. (Yeah. A hot-dogging snow-chick totally did this to me when I was trying to gather my courage to tackle a particularly steep [for me] hill. Headed straight for me and clipped my skis. *sigh* I hope I'm that good someday.)
As for choosing a resort to bless with your scintillating presence and new parka, make sure you pick one where they have to make all their own snow because there's a freak winter drought and all the ski runs are bordered by dirt hills and rock piles, so nothing there can be more beautiful than you. (Can you believe the terrain next to my ski run? It's kind of freaky. Global warming, much? Year 2012 Apocalypse run-down, perhaps?)
That is it, my dears! Run! Ski! Be Free!
And never NEVER capture it on film.
which ski I mean, dirt-slope were you skiing? I can’t believe how brown everything is, I’ve never skiied Utah with it looking like that! It makes me jealous that you can still ski, at your age and all…looking good!
Sundance. Yep, it’s a bit freaky to take a run next to dirt like that.
You will notice that at my age, what I was doing was EXTREMELY conservative. Like, mostly just standing up. I was happy to only come back with one giant bruise on my buttox from a fall on the ice.
(seriously, listen to the background noise on the clips. We are skiing on solid ice and it is noisy.)