Did you know that the average temperature in a cave is around 54 degrees Fahrenheit? Always? So no matter what’s going on outside, inside the cave–54 degrees.
Did you also know that the average temperature in a home in the dead of winter (allowing for global warming caused by flatulent cows) when one of its owners — we’re not saying which — drags her feet as she walks and wears PJ bottoms that are way too long for her because they are comfortable and she doesn’t care, which also means that she is picking up extra charge from the carpet as she goes, and she he it the owner becomes filled with static electricity as a result, and then when she touches the thermostat — because it is a little chilly and she, er, the owner wants to warm things up a bit — the stored electricity in her fingertip leaps between her and the little wall-unit, and instead of giving a glow to the home, it blitzes out the thermostat so she can’t change the temperature at all? Which irritates her. So she starts pushing buttons and manages to drop the temp to 62 degrees and then can’t change it because, like I said, she shorted out the stupid thermostat buttons and now instead of being a lovely 73 degrees inside the temp is dropping like a rock and you can see your breath–DID YOU IN FACT KNOW that the average temperature inside a dwelling where something like this may or may not have taken place is roughly the same as it takes to chill the Coca Cola bottles for those polar bears in that one commercial?
It is.
And look up there above. Aren’t we lucky that the homeowner’s husband got a live action shot of his wife electrocuting the furnace for all of their posterity to see?
We are.
Well. The one thing the homeowner would like you to take away from her story, dear reader, is this:
Doesn’t the relative position of her teeth to her bottom lip in that photo-negative image up there make it look like she has Angelina Jolie lips?
She thinks so too. And this is important. Because the homeowner has always wanted to have Angelina Jolie lips. Not Angelina’s actual lips, because that would be awkward. I mean, how would Ms. Jolie say things like “Pickled Peanut Butter” and “Peter Piper Picked a Posthumous Papaya Playing Pinocle” without her lips?
But, to have lips similar to Brad Pitt’s female partner’s–that would be a fine thing. The homeowner has thought about it. Imagined it. Dreamed about trading in her lips-that-are-so-thin-you-could-pick-a-lock-with-them for some poofy pouty lipaciousness. They’d be fabu. Here’s a picture of what she’d look like to prove it:
Her point exactly.
Maybe if the homeowner touches the thermostat over and over again the electric shock will result in permanent poofy lips. I mean, poof that will last beyond a split second x-ray photo. It’s worth a shot.
So.
Any volunteers to try it out?
It’s okay. Answer any time. We’ll be here all day.
In the meantime, Mrs. Homeowner is going to velcro her PJ bottoms to her kneecaps. Just in case there’s no basis to her static-shock-thermostat-Jolie-Lip theory.
As you were.
It would be fun to just follow you around for a day.
It totally is. You should try it. I do it all the time.