Attention Readers!

Today only, the Christmas Fairy has agreed to grace everyone who reads this blog with a special Christmas Gift! That's right! For the next seven to fourteen days, everything you eat will be CALORIE FREE! YAY!

All you have to do is promise to read this blog every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday between now and forever, and bring along as many friends as possible, and YOU will receive this gift absolutely FREE!

To redeem your special gift from the Christmas Fairy, simply hold down your Control, Alt, C, F, Tab, Enter, Space, Option, Shift and @ keys while signing up for Janiel Miller's RSS Feed and singing "It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas" in the voice of Russell Brand. Plus send Janiel a check for $300 which she will NOT spend.

That's it!

Once you do this, everything you consume over the holidays will be calorie-free, cholesterol-free, saturated and unsaturated and polyunsaturated and really really fat-free! Plus, there will be no sugar or carbohydrates or salt or craisins. But it will taste like there is! You will still enjoy the creaminess of butter, the lilt of cream, the decadence of chocolate, the manliness of the deep-fryer, the swankiness of corn syrup, and the delectability of cream cheese/marshmallow/canned-frosting fluff! Without. Gaining. Just. One. Ounce!

BUT! Don't take our word for it! Listen to these happy folks:

"Before I joined Janiel Miller: Life In Bits, and accepted her Christmas Fairy Calorie-and-Everything-Free Christmas Treat offer, I was out of shape, boring, walked with a limp, and had dull, lifeless hair. Since I started following Janiel's blog, not only have I run a marathon and won two Peabody Awards, but my hair is bouncy and I ride horses! All while enjoying Million Dollar Christmas fudge and caramel popcorn! Thank you, Life In Bits!" —Edna Hickenloopenschaft, Terre Haute, Indiana

"Before Janiel Miller's Christmas Fairy, I was lazy and out of work. Plus, I had a one-pack. Now, my wife can't keep her hands off of me and my 12-pack. Best $300 I ever spent. Thanks Life In Bits!" —Herkimer Splatz, Paint Lick, Kentucky

Ain't it the truth? I eat like a vacuum during the holidays, and expect nothing to show for it. It just seems like something magical happens that gives me permission to consume gingerbread, chocolate-dipped pretzels, fudge, and pumpkin pie out the proverbial wahzoo. All without hesitation, hindrance, or compunction. And then I'm shocked when I catch sight of my hips in the mirror.

What's up with that?

Who knows. But I've got it down to a science.

Now, will you stop making so much noise? I can't hear myself crunch.

(Not sure how overeating makes you put your shoes on the wrong feet, but there you have it.) (I drew the picture. I drew the shoes on the wrong feet. Should this concern me?)