Lush and Lovely – You Can Have Lashes Too!

I had a friend in high school whose eyelashes were so long they touched her eyebrows. She used to have to walk around with her eyes half closed in the mornings until her mascara dried, or she'd get little mascara dots in her brow hair. And when she wore glasses? Well, she had to clean the eyelash smudges off the top of the frames, if you can imagine. 

Poor dear.

Luckily, I never had to deal with that. My eye hair was blessedly stubby. Add to that a complete inability on my part to master eyelash husbandry with all of its accoutrements, and I was relatively free of dates throughout much of my high school experience.

Thank. Freaking. Heavens. 

I tried an eyelash curler once. Those things are medieval torture devices: open them up, insert your eyelashes, close them, shriek, reopen them, reinsert lashes without your eyelid, close the device–effectively smooshing your mascara into one linear clay-like clump–accidentally blink, and voilá! All of your worries are over. Because the stupid curler has ripped out every last one of your eyelashes and you are now a commercial for the Whoopie Goldberg Treatment for Eyelids.

Yeah. I only used it once.

And I wasn't bitter either. Even after my friend gazed in concern at me with her big fat tornadic-wind-inducing fluttery lashes of death. 

I'm lying. I was bitter. Why couldn't I have been born with long, thick eyelashes? Better yet, why did my advancing age precipitate the thinning of those fiber-like hairs that I do have?

Well, this is the twenty-first century, and I have options. For example, if I shell out between 100 and 500 dollars, I can get myself some eyelash extensions. Every few weeks. Maybe even months.

Dude. I'm so on that. Who wouldn't want to go from these fly-leg-ish babies (with enough mascara and eyeliner on them to coat the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders' eye-manes):

To these:

So there's a little change to the facial structure, and a mole that wasn't there before. That's a small price to pay for beauty, right?

Who am I kidding. I can't afford to be that gorgeous every day. We live in a busted up economy. There's less of everything to go around. It would be obscene of me to spend that much money on my eyelashes every few weeks, just for the sake of my vanity. I've got kids to feed. Earrings toilet paper to buy.

So, to show that I am a responsible adult and citizen, I'm going to make my own eyelash extensions. Not only that, but they'll be all natural. And free-range. Check it:

The great thing is, they're reusable. Especially if you have a lot of scotch tape. Plus, if you have friends who own chickens, like I do, your supply will never run out. And the color choices? Nearly endless. As long as you stick with white, brown, red, or black.

It is possible that I need more sleep.