Open Letter To The World

Dear World:

I think we need to have a talk. You know how the sun always comes up every morning, no matter how bad things were the night before? And how birds always sing and clouds always float along and drop their little droplets everywhere, except in a few places like the Sahara and the Mojave, and Chuck Norris?

Yeah. That's awesome. But, I'm pretty sure you're in denial. We've got problems, dude. People are rioting and taking over governments in places we forget about except when the people riot and take over governments. Earthquakes are popping up in little towns on the East Coast that aren't used to earthquakes popping up in them, except during the county fair when everyone is stampeding the funnel-cake booth. Tornadoes are wiping out entire mid-western villages, the economy keeps hocking loogies all over the American people, and we're all stressed about the U.S. being demoted. Or defrocked. Or whatever it was. Downgraded! That's it. We're stressed over it.

You gotta do better, World, than throw a few cute little raindrops on us and fling the sun around in a centrifugal circle over our heads every day. We need some serious cheering up.

What you need to do is–are you ready for this? Taking notes? Well, you get a piece of paper, I'll wait . . . Take your time. I'll just show a little video while you're finding some cosmic writing utensils. Since we were just talking about rain, here is an impression of a raindrop. ONE THAT IS CLEARLY TERRIFIED TO LAND ON THIS PLANET DUE TO THE STATE IT IS IN, WHICH YOU ARE GOING TO FIX WHEN YOU FOLLOW MY ADVICE:

Yeah. Even raindrops are STRESSED ABOUT THE STATE OF THE WORLD! (This was originally a clip of me doing the impression, but my family was too horrified by it. So I had to take it off and replace it with someone who presumably possesses less dignity than I. And is way funnier.)

Oh, sorry. There you are. Are you ready? Right. So. Do you want to know, World, what you can do to make everyone feel better and generally chillax?

Häagen Dazs 5

That's what you can do.

Rain Häagen Dazs 5–that perfect pentad of pure perfection (read: it only has 5 ingredients. And they're perfect)–in little pints, or gallons, or giant streams. But rain it. All over us. Especially Mint and Caramel, because they're the best.

If you do that, World, then everyone will eat it, and everyone will be so relaxed and happy no one will get mad or offended and everything will be fine. We don't need you to shake us or stir us or generally freak us out any more. Just the 5.

Straight up.

Sincerely,

Janiel

and everyone else.

(Häagen Dazs did not pay me to say this. Although I would be willing to accept a lifetime supply of 5 as compensation for what I am certain will be a HUGE spike in sales. They're welcome.)