Dearests. Do you ever get tired of cooking? Of throwing down the vittles like a stirring, frying, baking, fricasseeing, fonduing, stuffing, skewering, demi-glacing, paté briséeing, shishkabobbing little Julia Emeril Child Rachel Bobby Lagasse Rae Flay?
I don't.
But I know there are people who do. And it is to they to whom I am speaking to today. to.
So you've been slaving over a hot stove since you were ten years old and have lived like the proverbial Cindy-of-the-ashes, and you're tired, tired I tell you! You've had enough! No longer do you feel the burning urge to whip up a Boeuf Bourguignon just to see the little eye-lets of your tender husband and lovely children filling with tears over the epicurean delights you've spread before them. No more do you squeal to peel raw eel for the real deal to eat over rice with a bit béchameel. And the little herb garden you've been tending in your windowsill? No deal. Is that how you feel?
Well, my little overburdened cherubs, Fear Not. For the Domestic Diva Blogger has the answer for you. Cooking need not be a burden. The answer is simple.
Stop eating.
Yes, that's it. Stop. Eating.
And make everyone else in your life stop eating too.
Oh sure, you can serve the occasional after-dinner mint–just to play with peoples' minds. But actual food? Highly overrated. You don't need it. They don't need it. And after just a few weeks the more difficult effects of eating no food will wear off, and soon will be gone completely. You'll experience a certain lightness of being that you can find in no other way.
Do I follow this highly aerated diet? *snort* Silly! No. I have not the self control that you have. No, not one bit of it. I must live with the sad knowledge that I am less than you. But it is balanced by the fact that very soon you will be less than me.
And so, my darlings, I urge you to eschew the food you chew if you want to be a new you! That's all you have to do! Eschew! Eschew! (Bless you.)
Then, once you have mastered the fine art of neither cooking nor eating, we will study the subtle secrets of celebrity cyanosis.
Sayonara!
Leave a Reply