Shoe-Bling. Cavewomen Did It. Now I Do It.

I am a Hunter-Gatherer. I descend from a long line of Hunter-Gatherers. I can trace my roots all the way back to the genus: Shoppingus Womanus, of the species Homo. (Also known as the Homo ShopWo Network)

Hunter-Gatherers of this genus were as vital to society a baquillion years ago as their posterity are today. It is they who brought about economic balance by making little Raptor-skin evening shoes for themselves, and then trading with neighboring  caves, who specialized in Pterodactyl clutch purses. This boosted the local economy whilst simultaneously keeping the velociraptor population in check, and allowing Homo Coucho Spudus to thrive and build sports arenas and stuff.

Today, I kept my ancestral Shopwo traditions alive. I hunted. I gathered. I came home with these:

Note the bling (Flashosaurus Sequinopteryx) , reminiscent of the turquoise pleistocene moon:

Note also the narsty veining in my feet (Ickyus Vascularus OldChickus) . . . 

. . . that with the flash turned on, all but disappears:

Note these feet, of the genus CrazyLegs Runnerus–after pounding 50 miles through mountains, woodlands, and wetlands, in search of sustenance and Swarovskis with which to adorn his Shoppingus Womanus:

Poor little things. Clearly, this Coucho Spudus knows nothing about Hunting and Gathering. If he did, he'd have saved himself all that trouble and bought Mrs. ShopWo more of these $7 blingie-thingies:

Oh yeah.That's what these little stiletto-raptors cost. Seven clams. Or as my cute friend Cathy said, Seven dollars of Hottness. Or as they said a baquillion years ago: Unga Wunga Hottness.

I'm grateful for my ancestors, but things are better now. We no longer use dinosaur skin to make our shoes. I no longer have to club the cave-lady next door to borrow her clutch purse. And my husband knows not to question my Hunting and Gathering booty. 

Well, I'm off. Got to go hunt and gather some new running shoes for my little Coucho Spudus. They're going to be synthetic-o-saurus with little rhinestones. Dude needs a bit of bling.