How To Prepare For a Blizzard, In 30 Easy Steps

February 2, 2011 Janiel Unsolicited Advice 1

Dear People Across the Land Who Are Being Blizzarded As We Speak: We feel for you. We had one of those storm-things. Well . . . we kind of . . .  we thought . . . . I mean, we were TOLD we were going to be severely rattled by a Blizzard of Epic Proportions over Thanksgiving weekend. So we panicked. We freaked out. We had collective apoplexy. Er, some of us did. Not me. In any case, we want you to know we feel your pain. Even though we didn't have any actual pain. Therefore, in honor and support of you, I now re-post my list of Blizzard Safety Tips, in hopes that you will feel comfort and peace by following it. Voilá. How to Prepare For a Blizzard, In 30 Easy Steps:
  1. Start getting ready for Thanksgiving holiday.
  2. Receive call from sister who says her son says that the radio says that the hugest blizzard of the century (which admittedly is only ten years old) is bearing down upon your tiny town.
  3. Freak out.
  4. Calm down.
  5. Realize that college-aged child is away at, you know, college, and is expecting to be picked up for the holiday after her last class at 5:00 in the evening. WHEN THE BLIZZARD WILL BE IN FULL FORCE.
  6. Freak out.
  7. Call child. Attempt to talk her into skipping class and coming home early. Despair as child is unmoved by the historically deadly accurate weather man's report of doom. Nope. She is going to stay for class. The professor is counting double attendance. (What does this mean anyway? She's a twin for the day? Today counts as two days? Well perfect! She can take one of them off.)
  8. Chew fingernails.
  9. Decide to check weather on-line. Maybe sister's son is exaggerating.
  10. Nope. And it's worse than you thought. Child will be snowed in for life and everyone on the freeway, or contemplating getting on the freeway, will die. For sure.
  11. Call husband and beg him to talk to child.
  12. Be reminded where child got her genes from as husband audibly rolls his eyes. AUDIBLY. Husband grew up in freaking south-eastern Idaho. They LIVE in blizzards. He's been driving in blizzards since he was five years old. Psh. This ain't gonna be nothin'.
  13. Ask self why you married this particular husband.
  14. Receive call from sister saying, Oh yeah. It's terrible. People in Seattle had to sleep in their cars when the storm hit them.
  15. Receive call from mother who is canceling Thanksgiving at her house because of storm.
  16. Breathe into paper bag.
  17. Realize you are not prepared for days of isolation. Drive to store. Turn on radio in case there's another report.
  18. There's another report.
  19. This one says that the Department of Transportation is treating the approaching apocalypse as an emergency situation.
  20. Notice that you can now feel your heart beat in your fingertips as they clutch the steering wheel. Huh. That's new.
  21. Realize that you must approach impending doom with calm composure.  Mentally run through all the things you are out of and that you know you will want in the face of death or discomfort.
  22. Run through the store like a Green Beret, batting other shoppers aside with abandon. Every man for himself! Go aisle by aisle picking up the necessities: socks, milk, eggs, butter, 14 tubs of peanut butter (protein), toilet paper, spaghetti sauce, pantyhose (they're on sale), shampoo, a socket wrench set, dryer sheets (they can be used for lots of things. you've gotten emails on this), a couple jugs of ketchup (you can add water and turn it into soup), a few thanksgiving fixins' just in case, charcoal, vitamins, printer paper (kindling), and mascara (hey. you still gotta be attractive. especially in a disaster.)
  23. Rush home and put everything away, satisfied that you are prepared for anything.
  24. Notice that while the temperature has dropped, nary a flake is seen. But there IS a breeze. Feel adrenal glands begin to whimper.
  25. Storm is coming. Kid calls. Campus has closed and she is coming home. Hallelujah!
  26. Husband and other kids arrive at home. City shuts down. Everyone waits.
  27. And waits.
  28. And waits.
  29. Someone opens the cranberry sauce.
  30. Wait! There are a few flakes! HAH! It is HERE! You TOLD everyone! All the nay-sayers were WRONG! There's a blizzard and because of YOU everyone is safe and there is plenty of Ketchup soup to see you through! You're Welcome.
Whatever you do, don't let anyone notice that the roads stayed clear and the few flakes were all you ever got. Nope. Board up your windows if you have to. Cover them with black paper. But don't let anyone see outside. The most important thing here is that YOU were prepared. If there had been a blizzard you would have saved everyone's lives. So, you were right.

Now, sit down and make yourself a peanut butter and spaghetti sandwich. You deserve it.

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About Janiel 417 Articles
My greatest pleasure in life has been raising my four excellent children--some of whom liked me so much that they keep coming back. My second greatest pleasure has been doing whatever I can to make people laugh and create bright moments. I hope to do a bit more good in the world before I go the way of it. And if not, I'd better at least get to spend some serious time writing and singing in a castle somewhere in the UK.

1 Comment

  1. Boy, I wish I'd had this list before our ice apocalypse. We could have used some ketchup soup to warm the house with. We'd have been laughing so hard our collective temperatures would have raised the temp inside. probably.

    Reply

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