I get these visions in my head of how things in life will turn out. Dinner will be a lovely filet de boeuf wrapped in bacon, with fingerling potatoes in a rosemary gratin, and tomato coulis on the side. What actually ends up being served is closer to a hotdog with a slice of chipped beef tooth-picked to it and a couple of cherry tomatoes that I waved the bottle of dried rosemary over before plating them.
This year I had a vision of my family’s Halloween experience: A cold autumnal breeze blowing. Black clouds scudding overhead. The moon, like a giant cheese-wheel, hanging just above the mountains, peering occasionally through holes in the cheesecloth sky. Crunching leaves scattering as itty-bitty Storm Trooper/Skeletor/Bo-Peep/Iron Man/Lara Croft/Buzz Lightyear-shod feet patter through them.
And my family enjoying the most luscious, crispy, light-of-crumb, delectably nutmeggy-of-flavor, thoroughly dreamy homemade doughnuts ever to grace the family Halloween table. I knew since doughnuts are hardly the ubiquitous staple at family get togethers that green jello is–and they involve lots of extremely hot and volatile cooking oil–they’d be complicated to make.
So I spent the week planning, anticipating, rearranging my schedule, envisioning, and going through dry-runs in my head. All to make certain things went smoothly. This was my family. I was the CEO (Chief Emotional Officer). They were going to have the best Halloween and the best doughnuts ever found on the face of our block! It would be perfect.
And then . . .
Did you know you’re supposed to be able to roll doughnuts out and cut them? Yeah. They shouldn’t pour out of the bowl like cake batter. Also, I think oil has to be at, like, a perfect temperature when you fry things. If it’s smoking, your doughnuts are going to come out as little balls of raw dough encased in nice black carcinogenic shells. On the other hand if the oil is just pleasantly sitting there, you’re going to make golden-brown oil-sponges that could be sent down to the Gulf of Mexico and solve all of British Petroleum’s problems.
There’s also a splash-radius you have to consider when deep frying. Round blobs of dough that look like batter-dipped octopi are hard to keep a grip on. Pick them up and drop them, you can create a lovely new Jackson Pollock-esque design (think oil paint, without the paint) on your Halloween-Doughnut-Making ensemble.
But don’t worry. These are Halloween treats here. Everyone will love them. They are round(ish), golden brown/asphalt in color, they squirt plumes of oil when you pick them up, and look like you’ve dragged them through the Oregon Coast once you’ve tried to dredge them in cinnamon sugar. They’re perfect.
Not like those nasty Superpopularnationalchaindoughnutsthateveryoneloves-things. With their personality-free airy interiors and boringly smooth glazed exteriors. That’s not what I imagined these looking like at all. Nice to know SOME things turn out the way you expect.
Want one?
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